just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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