you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
