i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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