I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
as a side note pls kill me
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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