I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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