I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
