awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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