I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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