we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
how does that bad decision feel?
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