im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
