if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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