I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize