the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
