get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
