i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
