I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
