I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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