He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
