I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
