There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
