quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
