I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
