after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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