And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
