____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
