bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
