Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
