Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
