my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
