Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
