Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
