ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
