I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
