If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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