The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
