Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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