Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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