kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
