Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
