You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
