i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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