I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
A+ Viking dick
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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