I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
