ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
