I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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