I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
