I think I am morally bankrupt
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
