Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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