I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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