Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
