I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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