i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
