what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
