my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
