Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
