So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
