No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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