In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
