Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
