Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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